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I totally forgot to keep this thing updated but let's see…

I finally decided I wanted to be a pilot and devoted a lot of time and energy to that goal. I can now proudly say that I was accepted into a very prestigious private Aviation college and will be starting classes next month. Going to my degree in Professional Aviation. Fun times. :)

The only real negative was that shortly before Christmas I was laid off from my job, though it ended up being a blessing in disguise seeing as how that motivated me to find a career path. Also my school schedule is so ridiculous I won't be able to work during it anyway so, it all worked out in the end.

I can't express to you all just how good I feel about all this. I'm very excited for the future. Who knows what it'll bring but I'm ready.

Took some photos at school.Collapse )

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Posted on 2012.11.05 at 14:24
Current Location: US, Florida, Pinellas Park, Pinellas, 103rd Ave, 6144

I have a serious question I'd like to ask all of you, if you'll humor me.

I need to know how others deal with, or even if they feel the horrific anxiety that comes with making decisions. Am I the only one who feels this way? Or do others just seem to manage it better?

For me it's like a soft nagging at first but then there's screaming in my head, telling me all the things that could go wrong and all the things I haven't thought of yet. It literally drives me to such severe panic attacks that I avoid doing anything out of routine. Take yesterday for example. I decided to forego college and take up aviation as a career. I was fine at first but now I'm screaming at myself in my head, going over every single possible thing that could go wrong during every step of the process and even worse contemplating what opportunities I lost by choosing that path. Maybe I would've been happier if I had done one or the other? I don't know and that just kills me. I cannot handle the uncertainty. I'm literally shaking at the thought of making such a life shattering decision without considering each and every possible outcome first. I may look normal but there's a screaming in my head that I can't stop until I decide to do nothing or I'm sure of my choice(which is almost never).

This happens even with small decisions too, like how to spend my free time after work. No matter what I do I will always spend the next day or two regretting and thinking of what I could've done instead and how it might've been better. I have no idea how to control this fear of decisions but its horrible and I want it to stop. I can't take it any more.

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Looking for advice.

Posted on 2012.10.11 at 23:48
Current Location: US, Florida, Pinellas, Thomas Dr, 1701
Current Mood: curious

In a perfect world with no what-ifs or I cant's is the following: a list of things that I believe I would like to do. Be they general activities or actual careers. The purpose of this being I ask of all of you to simply help me devise a viable path to start my journey. My current plan as stands is to seek therapy, get my medical/dental status accessed and then to re-attempt college. I know there will be difficulties but I'd like at least to have an idea where to begin with the last step, even if I end up taking a different path, a starting point would be most reassuring.

Any advice you feel is pertinent I implore you to share it. Also, because I feel it must be said, some of these may seem…odd. I ask that all of you keep this adult and please do not harass me because something I'm interested in seems childish. It matters to me and that's all that should be important.

Moving on…


I guess it would be easiest to start with the fantastical and work my way down to things more worldly. So…Sci-Fi. I cannot begin to describe how much I love the genre, and I oft fantasize about many a thing regarding it. In list form:

I'd love to explore the universe, the whole concept of the unknown intrigues me to no end.

I'd also love to categorize planets/species. Data entry and analysis may seem boring to some but in this instance I would be overjoyed to go over atmospheric data, mineral compositions, planetary geology, flora/fauna ecosystems, ect.

I'd love to be a spaceship builder/designer or even just the scientist who discovers how to make these things work.

On a bit of a darker note I'd be very excited about developing new weaponry/offensive vehicles/you name it.


In a fantasy setting?

Again, an explorer. Hiking through vast unknown territory, finding relics of lost empires, and new land with wonders no one has ever seen before. This appeals to me greatly.

Touching on a point from the previous, the idea of looking for the remnant of lost and unknown civilizations would be fantastic as well. Figuring out who they were, where they went and why.


Onto more worldly things…

I love to read, and Sci-Fi fantasy novels are my absolute favorite. It would be amazing if I could create my own stories and share them with others. Though I must say I do not feel I am very creative.

Flying. I have been interested in it since I was a child, and the idea of being a pilot seems incredible. I would prefer spacecraft but exploring earth in a small prop plane sounds awesome!

I love the wild places, away from civilization and hiking has been a pastime of mine for ages. If I could travel all my life I would.

I also like studying things, be it animals or history. Anything where I have the chance to discover something new and incredible.

Music. I sang for years in school choirs and took piano lessons. Those experiences have left me with a passion for music that I can't control sometimes.(I sing -loudly- in the car, much to the chagrin of my friends it seems.) If I got the chance, I'd love to compose for movies or even just write my own pieces.


I hastily through this list together before bed so it could be missing some things but all in all it covers the majority of things I'm interested in. At least in a broad spectrum. Apologies in advance if it appears a bit…erratic but I wanted to get my thoughts out before I lost them. I had been pondering this for hours prior and would've forgot it had I just gone to sleep.

If you can impart any advice, I would be glad to hear it. :)

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I should explain

Posted on 2012.08.27 at 15:09
Current Location: US, Florida, Pinellas Park, Pinellas, 66th St, 10419
Current Mood: contemplative

Instead of replying to all the comments in my last post I figured it'd be more efficient to just make an overarching reply in its own post.

A lot of you noted that I've never actually said what was bothering me, just made lots of similar posts about how depressed I was about various predicaments I find myself in. Well unfortunately what's "bothering me" isn't very simple, though for the sake of clarity, I'll try my best to explain it.

First off I'm not upset over any one thing, rather it's a combination of events/feelings that have put me in the position that I am in now. I'll try to keep them as clear as possible to avoid any confusion. I'll also be brutally honest, because at this point I just want help.

Food. A lot of you mentioned that changing my diet would greatly improve my mood, which I don't doubt and would be willing to do. In fact, I've tried eating new things many times over the past few years. The issue lies in a very traumatic event that occurred when I was a toddler. For the sake of space I won't elaborate because I believe I've said it before but the fact still remains that I'm left with a paralyzing phobia of food. I do not like to be offered food, I don't like things I'm not familiar with, and any attempt to do otherwise usually ends up with me vomiting. Even when I try to force myselfto eat a salad, which I have done multiple times, I will throw it up after the first bite. This is an issue that I've struggled with for years and has proven very difficult to deal with. It bothers me because I know I'm missing out on food that I would love.

The next thing is a bit more embarrassing, but bears noting. I have found over the years that I do not find other human beings attractive. In fact it's quite the opposite, I find the human form repulsive, even my own. Which probably explains why I neglect grooming and only hold a minimum standard of personal hygiene. I've come to realize that I'm sexually attracted to animals, which I'm sure isn't unheard of in this fandom but I'm greatly ashamed of this. Not only is it socially reprehensible but because I have no interest in my own species I am destined to die alone and unloved. I know that sounds a bit "forever alone" but it's true. I'm more bothered that I have those feelings than the idea of being single forever.

Following that, I am bothered by how my life ended up. I have valued material wealth and recognition ever since I was a child, and I grew up expecting to be much different than I am now. I spent my entire childhood hearing just how smart and talented I was, I never wanted and always had everything I asked for. I'm not going to sugar coat it, I had a pretty privileged life and still do to a point. I was totally unprepared for the real world. Now I'm depressed because my entire life was a lie. I'm not smart, I'm not talented, and I'm not someone respected. I'm aware that I could take steps to change that but it's not easy. I don't know where to begin and it all seems so overwhelming.

That brings me to another one. My goals and dreams. I've never really wanted to do anything "real" with my life. I've tried to make goals but they always fade away and I give them up. It bothers me that I'm so obsessed with Sci-Fi and Fantasy that I only seem to be interested in impossible things. When I ponder what I'd like to do with my life I always think of childish things like a space explorer or a legendary warrior. I believe that I cling to escapist fantasies as a defense mechanism against my depression but I'm no psychologist so it's just conjuncture. In fact it's such a problem that I don't even know what I like other than those things. I've gotten to the point were I barely know myself and have no clue what direction to take my life, if it's not an escape I'm not interested and that's an issue I need to tackle.

Finally, the last thing that bothers me? It may surprise you to know that I do not take joy in having such vastly different political views/opinions than most of you. Quite the contrary, I constantly question my own viewpoint because so many seem hell-bent on hating me for the things I express. So much so that at times I'm not sure what I believe and it hurts me to have so much hate directed my way simply because I don't agree with something or don't fully understand another's position. It also does not help that I grew up in a conservative family and those values were ingrained in me deeply. I feel strongly about them and thus, react strongly when I feel those views are threatened. If I offended you in the past I truly sorry.

All the above is most of what causes my day to day depression. At least the major reasons. I feel so overwhelmed by everything thats constantly running through my head. The thought of trying to tackle each issue one at a time seems impossible because I can't help but focus on them all. Every time I find hope its quickly put out by something. I also should tell you why I ditched my therapy appointment, I got extremely nervous and didn't want to go. The thought of being judged by all those other people and potentially barred from pursuing my dreams due to mental illness caused a panic response and I was adamant about not going. Even thinking about it gives me the chills. It also bears noting that most the mistakes I've made have left me with a nasty fear of failure that nags at me every time I work up the courage to do something about all this.

Well, I've dragged on far too long and if you actually read this whole thing, bravo. Like I said in my previous post, I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and no one can help me. I would genuinely appreciate any advice.


It's been a long time LJ....

Posted on 2012.08.23 at 23:56
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
And a lot of things have happened...

How am I? I could say I'm doing well, but it'd be a lie. I've been battling hardcore depression and thoughts of suicide for the past year or so. Also believe I may be suffering from paranoid schizophrenia but thats a whole nother can of worms.

I've kept a job for a while. Still working for the welding place, almost been there two years now. They still haven't hired me but I've got paid vacation/holidays now so thats nice.

Still living with my parents. They've been forcing me to save and I'm actually not in a bad position financially, at least compared to when I last posted here.

The depression is the real killer I guess, I had made an appointment to see a psychologist but I got nervous and never went. My mental state has been...deteriorating to say the least. I've gained a nasty involuntary twitch and started to hear/speak to voices that aren't there. Honestly I don't know what to do with my life, and the more and more I think about it, the worse I feel. 

Also been slowly realizing just how horrible of a person I've become. I have driven away some close friends just by being an opinionated asshole. I'm full of hate lately and have been lashing out at people, and harbored dark thoughts of murder-suicide. 

Needless to say it's been rough, not to mention that my main escapes, the furry/brony fandoms? I've felt less and less a part of them with each day. I'd like to attend cons/meets again but with my current mental state? I don't know how good an idea that would be, plus my parents wouldn't let me spend the money. I've been on a strict saving routine, only got to take a short vacation to new york(for bronycon) and georgia(to see friends) this year.

My physical health hasn't been much better. I've developed upper back pain from my job and my horrible diet seems to be catching up with me. I may already have the early stages of diabetes/heart problems.

Everything has just been piling on top of me, and at this juncture I feel powerless to stop it. I know I can, but why? The lethargy has been stopping me at every point, and some days I wonder if its even worth it to try anymore. I hold some glimmer of hope, but that spark doesn't have much left in it at this point, feels like each day I'm closer to taking my own life, just so I don't have to deal with these things anymore.

Sorry to be such a downer after a long time of silence on here but I figure its better to be honest, I still consider most of you friends and pretending that it's all ok is nothing but a downright lie. I just don't know what to do anymore, nor if I should do anything.


My crazy

Posted on 2012.04.18 at 16:44
I don't expect many of you to read this, but it might just give you a little more insight into my crazy mind. 

A little known fact about me? I spend probably 50%-80% of my conscious hours in a fantasy daydream. Literally. In fact, I've been doing this for so many years that I've gotten very adept putting my body on autopilot. 

So how do I spend my other waking hours? Well I do one of two things. Either I'm planning out elaborate new scenarios for my daydreams(I'm serious, I will spend hours doing this) because I'm bored of the current one, or I'll be playing back past or future moments in my life, thinking of every single possible variable to determine how the event could've/could been/be. This is usually centered around embarrassing or shameful past experiences. I will obsessively pour over every single facet until I find the perfect way it could've turned out. Then repeat the scenario in my mind over and over again until I actually believe my own imaginary version of the event. It helps me cope since I tend to dwell on past mistakes for years.(I'm not kidding, I'm still trying to get over the embarrassment of things I said to my parents when I was 8 years old) 

I don't know if doing any of these things makes me some weird psycho or something but it's been my only coping method for years. If I wasn't so good at creating my own escapist fantasies I would've killed myself a long time ago. This is also how I stave off the depression concerning the pathetic state of my life as it stands now. The only difference being that instead of the past I create very elaborate memories of how my life could be in a few years, mostly centering around somehow amassing sudden wealth then pursing my petty dreams unhindered by the crushing reality of my actual financial status. These particular daydreams help keep my mind off of how much I'm ruining my real life.

It's now to the point where I'm almost not even bothered by my declining health/finances/mental state because the fantasies are so much more comforting to me that I really could care less about my actual problems. I always just sink back into a daydream and I'm happy again, why bother dealing with the real world?

Is this a cry for help? I don't know, to be honest it's getting increasingly difficult to discern which memories are real and which I just made up to forget a bad experience. For all I know I could've posted this before. I simply can't tell. Maybe that's why I tend to repeat myself? 

Hope this sheds some light on my strange behavior and helps you all understand why I act the way I do. Honestly since it makes me happy and keeps me from suicide, I really don't see a problem but...my inability to tell fantasy from reality can sometimes be frightening. 


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Furrys I need your help!

Posted on 2011.09.30 at 22:42
Current Mood: curiouscurious
A few years ago I was shown a Canadian TV show from the 80s-90s era that involved animal puppets(I think) and had a sort of 'Therian'-esque theme to it. It was for children I believe and was kinda like a native American thing almost. Can anyone help me pin the name on the show? I'd like to see it again. Thanks!

Edit: Found it. "Longhouse Tales" A furry on twitter managed decipher my vague description and give me a name, now if only I could find a DVD set. :P


Finally made my choice!

Posted on 2011.09.15 at 08:36
Current Location: work
Current Mood: bouncybouncy
Towyn is a Coyolfsky(coyote-wolf-husky)

I'm serious this time. Spent weeks making sure it was the direction I wanted to take my character. Expect a new fursuit soon. :D

Artwork by Lenny Mutt. :D

What do ya think? :D


Finally decided on Towyn 2.0

Posted on 2011.08.27 at 01:39
Current Location: United States, Florida, Clearwater
Current Mood: crazycrazy
...however I'm keeping it a secret until I get the ref sheet done. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! :D

Yep, I'm evil, and totally serious too. Only a few people know what species I picked for my fursona and I intend to keep it that way...for now.

Can you guess what I picked? :P


Towyn 2.0

Posted on 2011.08.05 at 15:08
Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
OK well here's the gist of my ideas for Towyn 2.0. I'm changing the character as well as the fursuit so the decision is important to me, my 'fursona' is a representation of myself at the core. Its come down to choosing one of two routes.

The first involves keeping Towyn the same species-wise but making some cosmetic changes as I feel he's rather bland. Also I'd like to show that he's aged and grown since I created him years ago. I threw around the idea awhile back that he's infected with lycanthropy, thus making him a Werewolf too. I had some ideas to add scars and such from the attack that infected him. As well as fur color/pattern changes to make him look a little bit more like an actual coyote.

The second option is to change his species. Not entirely as I'm still rather attached to the coyote mythos and I love them but again I'd like to show how I've grown and thus reflect a bit more of myself through my character. I was thinking of a coyote hybrid, using some of the other species I feel represent my best qualities(and in some cases, my worst. :P) Feel free to suggest other ideas if you know me well enough. Though right now I'm contemplating the idea of a coywolfdog. A mix of predominantly coyote with some wolf and domestic dog(husky) thrown in. Kind of like 50% coyote, 25% wolf, 25% husky.

I pick the coyote for obvious reasons. I love them. Their resourcefulness, cunning, and intelligence. I also identify with the wise trickster myths, finding a lot of those quality's in myself(at least I think I do).

I pick the wolf because it represents my reliance on my friends. I like my solitude(coyote trait) but at the same time I -need- to have a 'pack' to help me through the tough times. I also think both the wolf and coyote influence my love of singing. I also find that the wolves natural habitat is preferable to me. I am in love with forested mountain areas. Cold but comforting all the same. Can't explain it but I feel so calm in the middle of a pine forest. I also love the wolf for it's predatory beauty and grace.

I pick the husky because I feel the breed represents my stamina, my strength and will to go forwards, even when I'm exhausted. I also like domestic dogs loyalty. The dog also represents my playful and silly nature. The husky in particular because normally I'm lazy, but if properly harnessed I am very driven and focused.

If any of you feel you have insight to give feel free to. Honestly I'd be happy with either but while writing this I have begun to lean towards the latter option more. Funny how perspective works, eh? So like I said, open forum, feel free to give advice, opinions, comments, cookies, whatever. I'm all ears. :3

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